“One of the possible implications of the gain-loss theory is that, in the words of the well-known ballad, “You always hurt the one you love”. That is, once we have grown certain of the rewarding behaviour of a person, that person may become less potent as a source of reward than a stranger. We have demonstrated that a gain in liking is a more potent reward than a constant level of liking; (…) Tu put it another way, because we have learned to expect love, favours and praise from a friend, such behaviour is not likely to represent a gain in that friend’s esteem for us. By the same token, the good friend has great potential as a punisher. The closer the friend and the greater the past history of invariant esteem and reward, the more devastating is the withdrawal of the person’s esteem. In effect, then, the friend has the power to hurt the one he or she loves – but very little power to offer an important reward.” (Elliot Aronson – The social animal, 1984, p. 313)
Aronson goes on to explain why a compliment from a loving husband does not have the same power of reward as the one the woman receives from a stranger the same evening, at a reception. The stranger offers her new, and thus more rewarding confirmation of her attractiveness and therefore she too finds the stranger attractive. What should be the conclusions a husband or a steady partner should come to from this? Either that he has to be more cautious when offering gratification to his partner – this is not really the easiest way, as it generates frustration and possible resentment – or to be more open to letting his partner get gratification from outside. There is a third way, which is to change partners frequently. I won’t discuss this one, for lack of sufficient data 
What is interesting is that we tend to make efforts to regain friends that we are at the point of losing and to gain strangers who showed generosity and thus became potential friends. We’re looking for stability in our relationships, which is a good sign, according to Aronson. It’s just that we need not take things – and friends – for granted. If we do, is it ok if they are trying to make us recall that by threatening to leave us?
One of the questions I’ve always had is: why someone begins to hurt the person he loves? Even if he would have a reason, there are other ways to talk about, without hurting. If you hurt, the partner, in response, will do the same to you. It’s about action and reaction (the reaction comes most of the times unconsciously).
About the compliment from a loving husband vs. the one that comes from a stranger, I imagine that this is about perception. A compliment from a loving husband is precious, is love and is power-giver. A compliment from a stranger offers her (to the wife) that confirmation of her attractiveness only if she doesn’t know already or any more that she is attractive. And if she does, she just notices the compliment (and the stranger too), she smiles politely and she says: Thank You! She may find the stranger attractive too, but how important is his attractiveness to her? It becomes important when the compliment from the loving husband is not as important for her as it “should” be or as it was.
When we are at the point of losing friends, how did we get there? Probably by hurting them and yes, we make efforts to regain those friends because we know we hurt them, we are sorry for that and, especially, because we feel the loss; the loss is ours, not theirs.
If we are losing friends because they hurt us, we don’t make efforts to regain them.
Is this the way of thinking of a sick person? (I’m smiling)
A compliment from a loving husband, inasmuch as it is one in long line a compliments – which should be the rule, since we’re of a loving husband
– does not bring any new confirmation to the wife: she’s gotten accustomed to being complimented by her husband. The same compliment coming from a stranger, THAT one is really power-giver, because it extends beyond the habit already in place.
One can lose friends because of boredom, of habit, of a feeling of old, which comes against our supposedly universal need for stimulation. We then come to hurt our friends by simply neglecting them. It does not has to be intentional.
I think a free couple needs to get out of their cocoon and each of the two needs to have confirmations of their “value” beyond the one that is already certain within the couple. What kills a couple is too much certainty, not the incertitude.
Well, maybe you’re right, maybe she’s gotten accustomed, but I still believe that this is happening only if she is taking for granted her relationship with her husband. Here, again, we are talking about how important her husband is for her. I do not exclude the idea of the freedom within a couple, I know this is an important ingredient, but isn’t this freedom the THING that makes the couple survive, that gives to the couple the love, the trust, the power, the thing that makes one being precious for the other one?
While you consider that the compliment from a loving husband does not bring any new confirmation to the wife because she’s gotten accustomed, I’m wondering: what is she doing there, anymore? I understand that there is already a habit in place, but this happens maybe because they have forgotten to flirt and, by extension, they are taking for granted their life together, or they are just accustomed being together, or they are bored already. And this time we are talking about a “resourceless” couple.
And when the compliment that comes from a stranger is power-giver, yes, it’s true; it is power-giver, for the wife, but what about the couple? I see how difficult it is to analyze this using so few words on a blog page.
Otherwise, life itself is a mathematical model. There are thousands of situations, cases, I would say, and like in any mathematical problem, we consider each of them and each case lead us to a different result. To reflect about each of those cases it’s good, it’s beautiful, it’s philosophy, and by doing that we are feeding our mind, our soul, but trying to apply too many of those cases to our lives, this could become dangerous if not disastrous. And at the end of our lives we have nothing else to admit but that we have forgotten to live.
Sorry, I forgot that your blog is called “Pensée magique” and I am too deep into the real
Quote: (…)”what is she doing there, anymore?”
Because life as lived by us is NOT a mathematical model, because she still hopes things will change, and even if they won’t change, the couple is like a harbour to her vessel in search of a load of power-giving gazes. She comes back every time the vessel needs repairing, before going back at sea. And you’re right: our discussion has nothing magical about it. Why don’t you come with a text and let your imagination flow?
very well said!
after a while, the partner achieves that “taken for granted” quality – but it’s more like becoming, (almost) organically, part of self. one does not really expect rewards from one’s… liver, let’s say; the liver gets one’s attention only when it hurts.
and then… would shaking things up help? would the threat of hurt re-establish the individuality of one’s partner? intuitively, this is what should happen…